"Its better to do nothing and know why, than to do something and not know why you're doing it"

I saw or heard this somewhere recently, and it really put things into perspective. It stuck in my mind and keeps popping into my head with every decision I need to make. My fickle little self can't seem to make a decision on much recently though, and life is just staring at me in the face, waiting.

Last night I had a lucid dream, I could smell it, I could almost reach out and touch it. My old bedroom in Israel, crystal clear details. My old cupboard that was in my parents room in Egypt, my old rug, the high ceilings where I used to watch the cute harmless little lizards that lived all over the country, wiggling around the ceilings that we couldn't even reach. I was fighting for it, consciously in my dream trying to find answers. But they carried on like I wasn't even there. My mother, and some girl in her late teens whom I have never even met before. But she knew me, and she knew my questions, but she just kept saying "I am too young, I could be arrested for telling you. It's illegal for me to know". I remember feeling so frustrated in the dream. No matter how loud I screamed, fully aware in my mind of my screaming, I was silent. In my mind, as I slept, I prayed sleep would stay with me, in order to resolve this mysterious conversation. As I do in most situations of desperation since I was a child, I laid down on the floor between between the bed and the closet, opening and closing the closet doors, and I could physically smell the fresh laundry, the detergent my mother used to use in Israel. I could presently smell it in my sleep. As the girl switched off the light, my mother stood above my head, staring down at me she said "Stop asking. You have to learn to let go of the physical, the material". Right at that moment, Mum opened the door and woke me up singing. I woke up with tears on my face. I miss the life I had there more than anything, and no material will ever replace the love I felt, living in that country. I pray for it's turmoil to end everyday.

My dreams have been speaking to me recently, and God has been reaching out to me in my dreams. Perhaps this is why I am understanding a bit better, why I am taking a pause in life. Knowing why I am stopping, rather than continuously and blindly chasing more, running after what will make more money, all the while running away from what I am trying to distract myself from. Myself.

Drawing. Painting. Writing. Reading. Music. That is who I am, and that makes me a person who will never have much in material things. And I am proud of that. No matter what anyone has to say about it. Not even you. Not even me, my other me, the me who only tries to please social expectations.

Hey me, please me for once <3